Are you looking for an awesome Halloween film you can watch and get completely freaked out by? Sorry, look elsewhere! If you’re looking for a movie with no storyline, no suspense and absolutely no purpose, look no further. Witchouse (1999) is for you!
Welcome to Horrible Films for Horrible People! It’s been a while since I did this segment but truth be told, I haven’t run into any disasters as of late! Well, that was until I came across David DeCoteau’s crap-bomb of a film Witchouse. David DeCoteau has made many cheesy horror films, but this one has to be in the top 20 worst horror films I’ve ever seen.
Witchhouse was released straight to video, and after viewing it for the first time, I definitely understand why. It begins with a young couple arriving at a haunted mansion. As the viewer, you aren’t initially sure it’s a haunted mansion. But the night sky along with the thunder and lightning pretty much convinced me. The couple decide to go bang in the dusty, creepy basement since they’re the first to arrive. Makes sense, right? It’s so predictable what’s going to happen! The first to arrive are therefore the first die. Duh. Plus it’s just horror 101 when it comes to a couple having sexy time. Sexy time=death. Anyway, the couple that doesn’t have a name dies a terrible death, literally the second they take their clothes off. We see random green eyeballs and that’s that.
Afterwards, we meet the rest of the typical horror characters: a skanky girl, a meat head, a smarty-pants girl, a smarty-pants guy, a stoner guy, a tough girl and finally the weirdo, Elizabeth. Elizabeth is the hostess of the party and apparently they all used to tease her when they were in school. Moving on, they all want to drink beer and party while smoking some drugs but Elizabeth is very persistent about them all sitting around a pentagon on the floor. Elizabeth begins to tell them a story about a witch named Lilith, who got burned at the stake. Then for some reason, the smarty-pants guy gets a vision of himself burning at the stake while others watch. I have no idea what the point of that was. He freaks out and immediately he wants to leave so he walks off by himself. Can you guess what happens next? A horrible death? Correct. He runs into those floating green-eyed balls again and gets his head chopped off.
From then on, the whole gang gets separated and one by one they get slaughtered. We eventually find out that the green eyeballs really belong to the ghost of Lilith and Elizabeth is her descendant. Somehow, the two smarty-pants find out because of some book, which just so happens to say all this. They also discover that all of Elizabeth’s party guests are descendants of the people who burned Lilith at the stake years ago. Duh. Just get over it.
Witchhouse was annoying for many reasons but I’ll keep it to three. First, the fake thunder/lightning—What’s up with that? It just kept on going and it was obnoxious! Second, the film dragged way too much! There was nothing going but it dragged beyond belief. Lastly, the deaths were stupid and unfortunately poorly executed. There weren’t any scenes in the film, let alone death scenes, that wowed me.
Overall, I will not recommend a pointless movie with terrible effects. The people in it were running around the mansion aimlessly. There were no jump scares, let alone pure horror to frighten the audience. There is a whole Witchhouse series. Do yourself a favor and skip it. You’re welcome.