I’m back again with another installment of Horrible Films for Horrible People! This time, I decided to tackle Silent Night Zombie Night. I should have known by the title that I needed to be drunk or sedated before watching this one. Crazy thing is that I don’t even drink, but I’m willing to take one for the team.
‘Twas the week of Christmas and all through sunny California, zombies ran rabid in the streets for no apparent reason. As viewers, we have no idea why, even the director had no idea why this zombie apocalypse was happening. Just imagine a suburban neighborhood, swarmed with zombies in bad make up and even worse wardrobe.
The film begins in Los Angeles with two policeman, Frank, who is having problems with his wife and Frank’s best friend and partner, Nash. Nash is calm, cool and supposedly mysterious. Honestly, I think the screenwriter just didn’t feel like developing Nash’s character, let alone anyone else’s in the story line. Nash just so happens to be in love with Frank’s wife. This random, pointless, boring love triangle made the film even more unbearable to watch. Oops. I didn’t know I was watching a Lifetime movie. I though it was a horror film. My mistake.
Not long after we are introduced to them, the two cops get a call from a nosey old man who has witnessed a little girl being hit by a car. When the old man tried to ensure she was still alive, she bit him. Frank and Nash go to the girl’s house and the scene quickly cuts to Nash getting attacked by the little girl. Trying to help Nash, Frank accidentally shoots Nash’s toe off. Next, we cut to Frank and Nash driving to Nash’s house instead of the hospital for some reason. Why? You get your toe blown off…and you go home, not to the hospital? Really? And don’t call for back up; in fact, don’t communicate to the police station at all, whatsoever!
There were so many pointless scenes! There is rarely time for romance in a horror. Yet, in this film they somehow find the time. Frank and his wife Sarah are having problems but they decide to make up. How do they make up you ask? By having sexy time on Nash’s dirty carpet while Nash is in his room.probably bleeding to death.
There’s so much talking throughout this film and the dialogue is so hurtful to listen to. As always, I’ll stop right there to avoid spoilers because for some unfortunate reason, some unlucky soul will probably want to check this horrible film out. And all I can say to you is good luck.
As far as acting, it wasn’t as horrible as one might assume, yet it was still pretty bad. It’s like the characters were saying the lines as if they were reading in their high school third period drama class. The dialogue was not connecting and didn’t sound realistic. Also, I have no idea why these guys were both going after Sarah. I’m not jealous, I’m a realist. There wasn’t anything special about her other than that she was living. There was only one other living person and that was Felissa Rose’s character whose name I have already forgotten. Then again, I’m not even sure if they mentioned her name because at the point where she was introduced, I just wanted to move on. I could have looked to see if her character had a name and pretended like I knew it all along but please, for the love God don’t make me live through that catastrophe again! I have no idea why Felissa Rose was even in this movie. Like seriously, why?!
The thing that really baffled my soul about Silent Night Zombie Night was the fact that this film is called Silent Night, Zombie Night; therefore, it is supposed to be a Christmas horror film. CHRISTMAS, guys! The only thing I remember seeing that was representative of the holiday season was the fat, filthy, zombie Santa Claus, oh, and perhaps some lights somewhere. But that’s it!
There were only like four different locations used during the production, five if you count Nash’s bathroom. I always pay close attention to the editing of a film and I can safely say that the cuts throughout this picture are atrocious and unacceptable. Even if they edited their entire film with Windows Editor, they could have done better. There is no reason why anyone should suck this badly at editing.
I never want to put myself through the agony of watching this Silent Night Zombie Night again. The mental, emotional, spiritual and physical toll it took on me is too dramatic to describe. Moreover, the ending was not clever at all. I’m pretty sure that’s what the director was aiming for. But it was just crappy and the only person I had sympathy for was myself.
You’re probably wondering what I learned from this film besides that I wasted my time. Well, I learned that Christmas themed horror films can be absolutely horrible. Seriously, who wants to be fighting a bloody faced, balding dead guy who is trying to chew on your brains when you could be sipping eggnog and opening snazzy gifts? Need a remedy for insomnia? Pop this film in and you’ll get so overwhelmed by the credits alone, you will most likely pass out before the picture even starts.
Overall, my brain hurts from watching Silent Night Zombie Night; therefore, I can’t recommend it to anyone or anything. That’s right, anything. If you plan on watching it but fall asleep, make sure none of your furniture is in the room with you. Your furniture shouldn’t have to suffer. I wasn’t entertained nor was I impressed, I was exhausted and ashamed of myself. So, do yourself a favor and avoid this title unless you enjoy punishing yourself. Failed that test you didn’t study for? Cheated on your diet? Watch this movie as punishment, the whole 83 minutes! Or perhaps you could use it as a punishment for your ill-mannered children. You’re welcome.
WICKED RATING: 1.5/10
Title: Silent Night Zombie Night
Director: Sean Cain
Writer(s): Sean Cain
Stars: Jack Forcinito, Andy Hopper
Studio/ Production Co: Velvet Hammer Films
Length: 83 Minutes
Sub-Genre: Holiday horror