The last thing I want to do with this article, funny as it’s going to try to be, is undercut recent events. Because the truth is that Harriet Tubman earning her place on the $20 bill is an amazing thing, especially when she’s replacing Andrew Jackson, who’s only positive trait is that he once went hunting for the infamous Bell Witch. We need prominent American figures who aren’t just old white guys and who accomplished great things. This is in all seriousness a huge step forward and it’s insane to me that I even get to be alive in the time when it is happening.
But the point of this article is to give horror fans a chance to dream. Wouldn’t it be great to see your favorite people on your favorite currency? Who wouldn’t want to hand someone a bill with Elvira’s face on it? That’s the sort of thing we’ll be imagining right now.
For the sake of keeping things simple, let’s think of someone we could replace to give others their shot, and let’s go with Benjamin Franklin. I know, he was a great founding father, but he was also a womanizing drunk with a bad temper, famous for a weather experiment that might have never happened, and might have been a serial killer. So let’s keep our options open.
The $100 bill means money. And that means Stephen King. I’m sure he would be against this idea completely, but that’s the beauty and modesty of Mr. King. The man already has most of the $100s in America, so they might as well bear his image, even if all he’s going to do with them is donate them to Maine schools and libraries.
Imagine someone trying to mug you. They see you there, spot your wallet and demand you hand it over. But they’re not going to take anything when they see a couple of Kanes staring back at them. They’re not going to mess with you when your money looks like it’s about to snap them in half. The Kane $100 is also great for the purposes of haggling.
John Carpenter loves money. He’s very open about his hobby for having and keeping money. The film industry treated him like a bum long enough that I’d like to let Carpenter have his final say so that whenever studio execs get in arguments over money, they’re arguing over the face of the man himself. I’d also request that the space on the back that reads “United States of America” be changed to read “John Carpenter’s.”
Jamie Lee Curtis
If Carpenter deserves a spot, Curtis does as well. She starred in so many classic slashers early in her career, including Halloween, Halloween II, The Fog, Prom Night and Terror Train, but has also recently returned to the genre with the hit TV show Scream Queens. In addition to that, she’s a humanitarian and seems like a legitimately good person, so let’s giver her a shot.
I wasn’t kidding about this. Think about all the money horror fans spend on terrible movies. It’s a lot. Now imagine if every time you shelled out $100 on what’s sure to be an upcoming Ghoulies collector’s edition Blu-ray set or something, you could see her face and imagine her making sarcastic, strangely seductive puns over that or whatever it was that you just purchased.
Tony Todd is an awesome guy and a veteran actor of stage and screen, so if we’re making sure horror stars get stamped onto currency, he’s one of the first names I would think of. This guy acted with live bees in his mouth in Candyman. The man has truly suffered for his art.
If American currency is still hung up on the faces of old white guys, what better, older, whiter guy than Alfred Hitchcock? Although, I would definitely request that his image simply be the chalk outline from Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I think everyone would appreciate the greatness of that.
Edgar Allan Poe
If we’re going to have the image of a horror icon on the $100 bill, let’s go for someone who really changed everything. Poe’s influence has reached everyone who’s worked in the horror genre, whether they know it or not. He’s the Shakespeare of horror. He created the modern detective story. And he has a very distinctive face that would surely stand out from the other faces printed on American money.